I just farted in the apple store and everyone got upset. Itís not my fault they donít have windows
I do not have grey hair, i have wisdom highlights.
I hate when I'm about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror
My weekend face and my monday face.
My alarm clock is clearly jealous of my amazing relationship with my bed.
My bank is the worst. They're charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can't even afford to be broke.
I wonder if fat drug dealers sell diet coke.
I love sleep so much, itís the first thing I want to do when I wake up.
I eat cake because it's somebody's birthday somewhere.
Sometimes I wonder how many miles I have scrolled my mouse wheel.
I wish my bank account refilled as fast as my laundry basket.
I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl
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